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"I'm at my wits' end. I just don't know what to do withher."

This comment came, not from a parent whose teenage daughterwas causing havoc, but from one whose teenager was stillexperiencing fear of the dark. And the problem was gettingworse rather than better.

The fear was also affecting the girl's school life. Shelacked confidence in herself, was exceptionally timid, andwas easily threatened by new experiences. A parentingnightmare!

Yet our kids have very few fears when they are born. Fearof falling and fear of loud noises are the main ones, andthe rest are learned as they grow older.

A conversation with the mother soon revealed that the girlhad "always had a fear of the dark", but the mother was lessforthcoming when asked how she and her husband had addressedthe situation. Apparently, it had been a case of ignore itand it will go away; she'll soon grow out of it. After all,they didn't want their daughter to become a 'softie',someone who needed attention and help at every turn.

Yet that's exactly the type of child they raised.

If a fear is neglected like this, the chances are it willgrow and may even require specialist help . The girl inquestion received such help. But what can be done to ensurefears don't reach that stage, thereby avoiding a life ofmisery?

Selma Fraiberg in her classic book, The Magic Years, said:"The future mental health of the child does not depend onthe presence or absence of ogres in his fantasy life. Itdepends on the child's solution to the ogre problem."

And the child's solution will depend very much on theparent's solution!

Anger, impatience, anxiety, concern - all these reinforcefear

Repressing a fear will bury it and allow it to grow. Fearslove the dark.

Comfort, reassurance, calmness, humour, friendliness,affection - all these help dispel fears.

But what exactly is the child afraid of? And why do fearsusually develop around the ages of 2 -3?

At that stage children become aware that the world is notthe safe haven they thought it was. As they explore thisvast new adventure, with all its exciting possibilities,they soon learn that the universe does not revolve aroundthem.. Everyone and everything does not defer to them.This can be both hurtful and frightening.

Fears then start to build in the child's mind. They learnabout death and injury and suffering. And the imaginationtranslates these fears into ogres and monsters. Somechildren are more sensitive than others, and theirimaginations really run wild.

Unwittingly, some parents reinforce these fears by drawingon folk tales or religious imagery as a means of gainingcontrol.

"Behave or the bogeyman will get you."

"The devil will come for you if you are bad."

These attempts almost always backfire and scare the childrigid!

It's one thing to teach a child about evil in the world andthe need to avoid it, but it's another to cause the kid toworry about devil-like creatures lurking in every shadow,waiting to pounce and carry them off to hell!

What practical steps can be taken to zap fear of the darkonce and for all?

Firstly, always take a child's fears seriously. Never ignorea plea for help

Some parents fear that if they indulge their child's pleathen the child will become a weakling.

As seen in the example above, nothing could be further fromthe truth. If fears are repressed they can go on causinghavoc for a lifetime - quite literally.

Reassurance is the order of the day. How?

Remove whatever is prompting the fear. This could be theabsence of light in the bedroom. It could be spooky noisescoming from an old water or heating system, it could becurtains fluttering in the dark.

Make the child feel comfortable. Then face up to the fearwith him. Show him that there's nothing under the bed, orgo to the window and show him there's nothing in thebackyard.

Let her know that she's normal! Assure her that everyonefeels these fears at her age, and it's just a reaction tosome of the things they've heard or seen during the day.Positively affirm that no harm is coming to her, that she isperfectly safe..

Then let them practice being on their own. Leave a nightlight on. Its amazing how many parents think this will'spoil' their child.

Well, in my work over the years I've seen the result of thisapproach - that is, kids who lack confidence in almostevery area of their lives, whose lives are driven by fear.Tough kids? You must be joking.

No, the fear must be dispelled before it's had time to wormitself deep into the subconscious and take root. Weed itout before it has time to grow.

Another reservation parents have is that once kids realisethey get attention from being afraid of the dark, they'llplay on it. First of all, we must ask ourselves why wouldour kids need to seek an inordinate amount of attention?Could it be because they have not been getting sufficientattention, for whatever reason? Attention-seeking is alwaysa symptom of a lack. Address the need and the symptom willdisappear.

'But won't I just be building up a need in my kid forattention at night, and making them dependent on mypresence, or a nightlight, or keeping the door open, orhaving to check on them every five minutes to reassurethem?'

This is where trust comes in. You must trust that byconstantly reassuring your kids and making them feel relaxedand secure, the demons or ogres will be banished.

And they will. Once that happens then all the above needswill quietly fall away. It may take more time with some kidsthan with others - but the fears will slip away, and thatis vital for a happy, contented, self-assured childhood, andby extension, adulthood.

Happy parenting!