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Etiquette

Etiquette ' such a pretty word. The very sound of it is classy ' the kind of word you'd take home to meet Mother for a spot of tea and scones! Even its look, when written down is so 'haute chic'. It must be good.

There are many forms of etiquette. Here are just a few I prepared earlier.

Wedding Etiquette: Don't tell the bride your invitation never came ' just assume she already knows and turn up anyway.

Restaurant Etiquette: USE THE SILVERWARE ' DOn't STASH IT and strive to give the impression that French/Italian/Chinese/ whatever the cuisine speciality is/ is actually your first language (so never, I repeat, NEVER act surprised when your ordered dish arrives)

Table Etiquette: As above, except for the language bit. It should be noted, however, that 'At-home-table Etiquette' allows for relaxing the silverware principle whenever the cricket's on telly.

Dating Etiquette: 'Yes' means "Yes", 'No' means "No" and 'Maybe' means "Possibly, but really, well'. No.'

('I'll call you' and 'Let me think about it' both mean 'HELL, NO!')

Teenage Etiquette: Whatever Thorpie does because'Like, you know, it's coz it's really sick and stuff but don't say anything coz that'd be really gay. Got me?

Ah, etiquette. Unpretentious, yet so powerful. One can sense when Etiquette enters the room. Heads turn, faces smile and all seems right with the world.

Extend that hand, embrace that small talk, master the subtle topic change and breathe again.

© Carol Dorman