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The Invention Of Sex; An Eyewitness Account - Second Half Of Part One, "the Invention Of Everything" - Articles Surfing

(Suggestion: Read The First Half of Part One First)

'What?'

'Brush burns.'

'What do you mean?'

'What are we making the skin out of, vinyl?'

'You're right. Hey, I have it.'

'What?'

'We take an idea right off the top of their heads.'

'What's that?'

'Hair. We put some hair down there, sort of like a cushion.'

'Long hair like they have on their heads? That might complicate things.'

'I have it. What if we make a special kind of short, fuzzy hair? Form and function, perfectly joined.'

'Do you think they'll be OK with that? Does it seem too animal?'

'It might embarrass them, particularly in the early days, when they're trying to distance themselves from the other creatures we plan to introduce.'

'You mean, like monkeys?'

'Exactly.'

'I don't know. I think having some hair here and there might help them feel more at home with the other creatures.'

'Instead of all by their lonesome selves, feeling desolate on some planet in the middle of somewhere?'

"Right."

'Good insight. Very harmonious. I want you to know that. OK, so let's recap it and take a vote. Here it is. The male has a tube. Can we agree on that?'

'I'm too tired to go on about who has what.'

'Good. It's getting late. So let's move on.'

'Hold it, hold it, let's not rush ahead too fast.'

'What do you mean?'

'What makes the sperm go from the tube way up to where the egg is?'

'Excellent question. Any thoughts?'

'How about this? At some point, during all the rubbing together, he feels so good he launches it toward the woman.'

'Yeah, yeah, but what powers the launch?'

'What else do we have to work with? Muscle power. You know, they contract.'

'OK, that's it. The muscles start to contract and we have a launch.'

'And it feels good.'

'Really good. And what about the woman. She has muscles, too.'

'When you're right, you're right. So her muscles start to contract.'

'Yeah, but why?'

'I have it. So out comes even more lubrication.'

'Love it."

'And, hey, boss, what if she has little fans way up there, just to help move the egg toward the sperm?"

"You mean, like, cilia?"

"Right."

"Equality if I ever heard it. Make a note to include cilia."

"You got it. Nice coincidence, since we decided fans go more with feminine fashions. By the way, I have another way to make nice.'

'What? We haven't made this enough fun yet?'

'No, no, get this. We give the male a really big reward when he deposits the sperm, and the female an equally big reward when she really lubricates the receptacle. Then they'll want to do it even more and, when they think how much pleasure we put into the design, they're love us like crazy.'

'Great observation. So what do we call this good feeling?'

'What else? The climax.'

'Done. A climax it is.'

'Can I just enlarge on that?'

'Sure.'

'Well, after they do it and she finds herself with a little replica inside of her, she's going to have to go through a lot, while the guy just sits back and thinks, Wow, look what I did. So I think she should get a reward commensurate with her responsibilities.'

'Good thinking. Anybody got any suggestions?'

'I have it. What if she can feel good more often than the guy?'

'You mean she can have multiple climaxes?'

'Why not? It would be tied to all the rubbing around, not just the launch. Besides, when it comes to lubrication, who's counting?'

'Is this getting hot or not? I think we've covered it. Anything else before we take a vote.'

'One thing. If sex is going to feel as good as we say it is, they'll want to do it a lot. But there's no way one woman can have that many kids.'

'You're right. Not only that, how can we ask one man to support that many kids? So the question is, can they only do it when they have making kids on their minds to help them get excited?'

'That's a lot of holding back.'

'Right. So what's the answer?'

'Well, let's think about that. If they're holding each other in their arms, rubbing around together and feeling good, and then we have a climax ' hey, maybe they can even both go off at the same time ' the whole experience might be a great way just to get them in each other's arms to help them care about each other.'

'You mean, sort of amity through proximity?'

'Right. They're in each other's arms, it feels good, so they feel good about each other. Hey, maybe when they love each other it even becomes one way they express love. How about that for a fantastic concept?'

'Great. Just great. Anything else?'

'Just a detail. You know I'm a numbers guy.'

'What?'

'Well, we know we want them to succeed at replication, so how does that influence the supply of sperm and eggs?'

'Good point. Any suggestions?'

'Sure. More is more. All we do is make sure the guy has plenty of sperm to launch and the lady has a plenty of eggs to drop.'

'We need to get specific. First, let's deal with the man. How about a hundred a pop?'

'A hundred? Come on, man, we think bigger than that. I refer you to the overall plan. The universe, we agree, is going to be based on numbers in the zillions ' planets, stars, you name it.'

'So what if we give the male zillions of sperm?'

'That may be overdoing it. I'm not sure he could get around with that much sperm between his legs.'

'What if we settle for billions?'

'Still seems like more than the required amount.'

'Millions, then?'

'Per launch?'

'Yeah. How can he miss?'

'OK. Then, like, what about the number of eggs?'

'We wouldn't want him fertilizing millions of eggs at a time.'

'You got that right. We can't have the woman trying to make room for that many replicas at once. How about if, as a control, we just provide for one egg at a time.'

'Sounds good, but a little too predictable. What if every so often there are two, three, four, even five of them?'

'Why don't we just agree that generally there will be one and once in a while two or more?'

'And get this. What if from time to time after the sperm meets up with the egg, the combo can split? So we get a twofer ' two babies for one good time together? It's like what they'll one day call a BOGO sale: buy one, get one free.'

'Now we've got some really interesting variety going. So the guy has millions of sperm, and the woman has''

'An egg a month.'

'OK, seems workable. But let's examine the implications of that. The woman produces an egg a month for how long?'

'Oh, maybe thirty-five, forty years. We don't want her having kids when it will be too hard on her body.'

'OK, and the male produces millions of sperm every time he gets excited, maybe three times or so a week for how long?'

'He could go for more years since he doesn't have to carry the child.'

'Might also be a good idea, because the males will get into more trouble, especially in the early days, when they have to go out and hunt for dinner, etc.'

'You're right. So let's let him be ready for launch for, say, fifty, sixty years or, if he's quite a guy, even longer?'

'Sounds right. Over their lifetimes, he produces billions of sperm and she produces hundreds of eggs.'

'How can they miss? I think we've got reproduction nailed.'

'Before we wrap things up, let's ask the tough question. What about all the sperm and eggs that don't make it? What do we to think about them? After all, every one of them will be a genetcally unique, one-of-a-kind potential offspring?'

'Well, at least, on the particular planet. Let's let the numbers work for their benefit and ours."

"How do we do that?"

"Simple as a dimple. When they realize the enormous odds against being the one or two offspring, they'll appreciate how lucky they are to be the sperm and egg that made it.'

'You mean the odds against a successful hookup help them appreciate their lives?'

'Exactamundo! Know anything else with odds against it like that?'

'I think that about wraps it up. Let's vote on it. All in agreement with sex as we've invented it?'

The yeas were unanimous.

So we knocked off for the night. We knew we had a big day ahead of us. In fact, quite a few big days.

Submitted by:

Tom Attea

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."



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