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Have you ever heard of an FBI agent who wasn't "special"? Or an attorney who wasn't "at law"?

Have you ever met an optometrist who didn't wear glasses? Do you think maybe the fact that most of them wear glasses has anything to do with advertising?

Until recently, I thought Jessica Simpson was a cartoon character!

Why would anyone want to run for the office of school board member? It seems to me that this would be something a person would be sentenced to after being convicted of a misdemeanor!

What do you call a member of OPEC? An Opecker?

It is okay to turn work into fun, but it's not okay to turn fun into work!

Unwritten rules are, by definition, unjust.

I think some of the most soothing sounds in the world are a cat or dog lapping water and the clanking of ceramic dishes. On the other hand, the sound of a crying child has to be the most annoying sound in the world. The sound of someone's extremely hard shoes clomping across the floor is a close runner-up.

If the word "from" or the phrase "as little as" immediately precedes a dollar amount in an advertisement, it is wise to mentally substitute them with "more than". Conversely, if the amount is preceded by the word "to" or the phrase "as much as", you should mentally substitute them with "less than."

When determining the value of a roll of paper towels, ignore the number of square feet and look at the number of individual paper towels in the roll. For toilet paper, do just the opposite, i.e., ignore the number of sheets and look at the total square feet.

When I was a kid, I thought Indonesia was the part of "Nesia" that had a roof over it!

Back in the 1990's, a coworker was bragging one day about how a computer program he was writing utilized 21st century technology. I quickly pointed out to him that this was impossible. No matter how advanced any technology was that someone invented in the 1990's, it could not have been 21st century technology. The simple fact that it was invented in the 20th century makes it, by definition, 20th century technology!

A tax credit is the sincerest form of a tax break!

Do vegetarians eat fruit in addition to vegetables? If so, why aren't they called vegefruitarians?

To understand some people and organizations, you must master the art of interpolation. For example, if they say something will be done in a few weeks, you can presume that it will actually occur in a few months; or if someone tells you he/she will be somewhere in an hour, you can safely presume it will be two hours.

If "all is fair in love and war", then there is no such thing as a war crime.

I thought video-on-demand (VOD) was going to bring us more entertainment options. Apparently, that's not the case as most of the stuff available on VOD is exactly the same as the stuff playing on the cable channels. The only advantage it provides is that you get to see programs when you want. Funny thing, I thought that was what VCRs and TiVo were for.

It is usually a waste of time to try to impress another person. If someone is not impressed with you, they would not be likely to change their mind even if you discovered the cure for cancer. On the hand, if someone is already impressed with you, they will usually remain impressed no matter how many stupid things you do.

I'm getting so tired of those "awards" shows on TV. It seems like there's one on every week and they just keep adding more of them all the time. I would watch one of them only if it were on pay-TV.....they'd have to pay me to watch it!

Those who are always waiting until "times are better" never accomplish anything significant.

There have only been a handful of good liars in the history of the world. Most liars will eventually get caught because they will let their guard down sooner or later and fail to cover all their tracks.

Why would anyone put money ahead of their health? There are many people who do exactly that, though. They apparently don't realize that money and possessions become meaningless when and if you lose your health.

My major source of heartburn with the Earned Income Tax Credit is that allows some individuals to get more money refunded to them than was actually withheld in taxes from their paychecks. I agree that many of the working poor should not have to pay taxes, but the government should not be in the business of income redistribution. When someone receives more back from the IRS than they paid in, it is just welfare under a less stigmatized name. For those people, perhaps we should call it the "Unearned" Income Tax Credit.

The concept of "fighting words" only exists in the minds of those who are immature enough to allow words to hurt them.

If someone brags about you in front of others, it could be as hazardous as bragging about yourself. There's always a chance that one of the listeners will become jealous and bring to light some unflattering things about you.

I get a little aggravated when I drive past a church building displaying the words "full gospel" on its marquee. It makes me think its members believe other churches just provide a "partial gospel."

Many of us, including myself, often lose sight of the fact that money is merely a means to an end, not an end in itself.

I think the whole idea of convicting Martha Stewart and sending her to prison is totally ludicrous and unjust. Those federal prosecutors made a mountain out of a mole hill. I don't see how what she did really hurt anyone. She was afraid of being prosecuted for a violation of some petty insider trading law. That's understandable to me. No, it's not moral or ethical, but why should it be illegal? There are so many more serious things people are doing now that need to be addressed instead. Why not go after some real criminals instead of harassing a woman for lying about something that almost anyone else in her situation would have lied about? The jails are already so overcrowded with dangerous people who really need to be there that they have to let some of them out way too early. So how much sense did it make to send Martha Stewart to prison? None. It was nothing more than a witch hunt. He who has never told a lie, cast the first stone at Martha Stewart!

The scary thing about the folks up in Canada is that they are now coding political correctness into law.

When you are asked to do something on the job, no matter how difficult, never say it is impossible. There will always be some young phenom who will come along and figure out a way to do it and make you look like a fool.

Why do most American women think cellulite is so awful?

Those who are constantly telling others to "not be afraid" or to "have more courage" aren't being realistic. Many fears do not respond to logic or reason.

You can tell a lot about a person's integrity by watching him or her at a grocery store. If he/she gets into the "12 items or less" line with more than 12 items and/or leaves his/her cart just anywhere in the parking lot without returning it to the cart-return, he/she sends out a very negative message about himself/herself. That message is: "I'm either too lazy or too indifferent to be bothered with doing things correctly.'

For those of you who are like me and not all that smart, the best way to act intelligently is to observe what the smart people and the dumb people around you are doing and act accordingly. We all know who the smart ones are and who the dumb ones are. If something is being done by most of the smart people and not being done by most of the dumb people, then by all means do it. Conversely, if something is being done by most of the dumb people and not being done by most of the smart people, then by all means don't do it. It can't get any simpler than that.

I don't like to collect a lot of "things." I've always held to the belief that the more you have, the more you have to worry about. There are only two possible reasons why I would even be remotely interested in being extremely wealthy. One would be the fact that I could afford to hire out all jobs that I either couldn't do or didn't want to do myself. Stuff like car repair and maintenance, home repair and maintenance, and home decorating would be in that category. The other would be that I could get almost unlimited "do-overs" when making decisions about major purchases. Most of us really have to sweat a major purchase like a home or a car. We know that if we make a mistake and buy something we are not happy with, we cannot easily turn around and sell it without taking a major financial hit. If I was extremely wealthy, on the other hand, I could easily discard a home or car that I was dissatisfied with or had grown tired of and get another one without really suffering financially.