Article Surfing Archive

Not so different are they? Both involve being admired by scores of people, getting all the tail you want and being a little bit crazy. Now, by following my fool proof plan you too can achieve immortality via your very own ABC movie of the week.

But will you be played by Dean Cain or Willem Dafoe? That's your choice. I'm not here to judge, just to dispense advice. Let's get you started.

Make Outrageous Statements: Follow in Mel Gibson's footsteps if you're looking to hit the big screen. Pick some minority and rail against them at every chance you get. For you aspiring religious leaders always be passing on laws and edicts issued to you by your higher power be it a new god or your toaster. The loonier the better.

Date a New Person Every Week: If you're looking to be a movie star, date a young up and coming star/starlet every seven days. If you're more interested in cult status mother/daughter pairs are key.

Seem Humble When in Fact You're Anything But: Practice this line, "I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my publicist, agent and scores of fans." You sound like you are only a movie star because of all those people when in fact you've got all those people because you're a movie star. Aren't you clever? For the cultist this phrase is gold, "I am but a humble vessel of god. I just do what he tells me."

ABS (Always Be Shopping): Celebrities are always out in the boutique shops of LA looking for the newest and hottest handbag. Put Kitson on your speed dial. Cult leaders are always out there looking for the latest and greatest painting of them being crucified (bonus points for blood dripping all over the place). Start stocking up!

Speak in the Third Person: "Angelina Jolie does not appreciate people gathering outside her complex taking photographs. I demand you leave at once!" or "The Great Lord Zond has been told from on high to pluck from you every hair on your shoulders. Let all of the lord's children's shoulders be hairless!"

Complain About the Government: Celebrities are encouraged to go on CNN and badmouth every presidential decision. Cult leaders should be very vocal about their opposition to the government spying on them through invisible radio chips implanted in their spinal cords. On second thought, movie stars can complain about that too.

Name Drop: For the aspiring movie star, "I was talking with my friend Steven Spielberg the other day and he said I simply HAD to meet his best friend Tom Hanks." Cult leaders, "So there I was minding my own business when GOD came down and started talking to me. Man, that GOD has a lot of interesting ideas."