Article Surfing Archive

A coyote was caught molesting a flock of lambs. Confronted about his predatory behavior, he became immediately repentant and explained how he could have fallen into such disgraceful behavior. According to the coyote, he was, as a youth, molested by a cocker spaniel. After providing his excuse, he immediately sought rehabilitation as a vegetarian. A transcript of his entire confession follows:

I am truly sorry for molesting lambs. I just couldn't help myself. You see, when I was a young coyote, I myself was molested by a cocker spaniel ' not just once, but repeatedly, over a period of more than a year.

There I was, an innocent and youthful coyote on the prowl, with never a thought of clamping onto a lamb by the throat, dragging it to the ground, and making a meal out of it. No, sir, I was, like all normal coyotes, at least as far as I knew at that innocent time of my life, a complete vegetarian.

My troubled childhood began when I just happened to wander near a little red ranch, hoping to come on a head of lettuce or maybe a cucumber or carrot. But no sooner did I get near the fence than a ferocious cocker spaniel, red as flame itself, came running toward me, snarling and barking, teeth bared.

I didn't know what to do, since I was completely inexperienced in the dog-eat-coyote ways of the world. I just stood there, thinking that otherwise kind of cute cur wouldn't really molest me. But I was wrong. It leaped right at me and clamped onto my nose with its enormous teeth. I was stunned. I just couldn't believe such a thing was happening to an innocent coyote like me.

I shook my head to try to fling the ferocious beast off. Thankfully, I was successful. The beast flew ten or twenty feet away and smacked onto the ground hard enough to lie there as if it might actually be unconscious and, therefore, dinner. Yes, I said dinner. Because I was already so physically and emotionally injured by my dog-bitten nose that I was considering giving up my vegetarian ways.

I crept over to look at it. But no sooner did I get near than its frantic eyes popped open. It began to growl and somehow managed to stagger back onto its feet. I howled back as threateningly as my childlike voice would allow.

Luckily, the cocker didn't seem in the mood to come after me again, although it did kind of circle me with its body bent in a shape that I can only describe as cowardly. I howled one last time, just to assure my own safety. Then I trotted off into the woods, deeply shamed that I had let a generally harmless cocker spaniel victimize me.

As I lay in on a ridge overlooking the ranch, contemplating my aching nose, I still couldn't believe what had happened. When I awoke the next day, my nose felt better, and I decided that mean critter had learned not to pick on me.

So I ambled back, looking for some juicy veggies. And don't you know that awful animal came bounding right out again to molest me, yelping loud enough to nearly shatter my delicate ears. Worse yet, it leaped up and bit my nose again.

Now, I know what you're thinking. By now I should have had the sense to stay away from the ranch. But I am an unusually trusting coyote and I just couldn't believe that seemingly harmless dog was as abusive as it turned out to be.

Oh, go ahead and blame my innocence, but somehow I went back to that ranch on and off again for over a year. And don't you just know it? That same red-as-blazes cocker spaniel always ran right out and molested me.

What can I say? I knew I had been injured for life.

Now, as a result of my sheltered upbringing, it never occurred to me that, if you're a real coyote, you very likely do have a taste for lamb. I still believed all coyotes were 100% vegetarians. But, as a result of the terrible abuse I had suffered, I felt I would never again be a normal coyote, dining strictly on assorted produce. Now, I wanted to make up for all the abuse that cocker spaniel had inflicted on me.

That was when I decided the only thing that would satisfy me would be to molest other innocent creatures. Somehow, my mind settled on lambs. For the first time, the idea of attacking one and having it for dinner had extraordinary appeal.

So I crept back to the ranch, so as not to invite the wrath of the ranch dog, and, as soon as I was within range of the resident lambs, I leaped for the one that seemed, as I had once been, especially unsuspecting. I'm ashamed to admit it, but, to tell you the truth, that little lamb sure was mighty tasty. In fact, as I chowed down, I felt as if I was born to dine on lamb.

During the next several years, I enjoyed many an innocent lamb. Oh, from time to time, I felt a pang of guilt and tried my best to mend my ways. Why, more than once, I went to live in a vegetable garden with a high fence to see if I could rehabilitate myself. But somehow the joys of lamb always drew me back out. I just couldn't resist the savory temptation.

Then one day, to my great relief, I discovered I wasn't the only member of my species that lusted after lamb. I actually met other coyotes who enjoy the tasty little innocents, too. And guess what? They all told the same story. They had, to a coyote, been molested by one kind of ravenous dog or another when they were young.

So you see, although you would like to blame coyotes for molesting lambs, the truth is we are not the ones to direct your anger at. The creature to blame is the dog. If we were not molested by that merciless predator when we ourselves were young, I can assure you that we would never even think of molesting helpless lambs. We'd all be perfect vegetarians, just like rabbits, who, incidentally, I regret to say, I have also enjoyed from time to time as part of the misbehavior I attribute to that evil cocker spaniel.

I've talked to a number of other coyotes about the whole painful issue of abuse as a child, and we're all in agreement. Don't blame us; blame the cocker spaniels and other canines you treat like members of your own family, while you look down on us coyotes.

Now, some people may say that I'm just trying to make a pitiful excuse, and I can understand that reaction. It's easy to see we're all born with a closetful of excuses, and any time we do something wrong, all we have to do is reach over an take out a handy one. I can also see how some people might say that the more honorable thing to do is behave in a way so you don't have to reach in there for an excuse or, if you misbehave, to keep your hand out of the closet and take the blame right square on the nose, even if it's as banged up as my own repeatedly victimized proboscis.

In conclusion, if you have to blame somebody for my behavior, I point you to the cocker spaniel who sent me down the road of being a lifelong predator of lambs, the more innocent, all the better to jump them.