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An innovative study by an environmental scientist attempts to explain the recent uptick in idiotic human behavior. According to the resourceful researcher, the likely culpret is the abundant supply of greenhouse gases. As a result of their ascendance, there is simply not enough oxygen left in the atmosphere for the human brain to function at the usual level.

He reasons that the principal greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide, is frequenly derived from carbon monoxide, the toxic effluent of tailpipes and other smokestacks. To become the dioxide version, the monoxide must add an atom of oxygen, which, for lack of other alternatives, it removes from the atomosphere.

To make his determination, the scientist measured the percentage of oxygen currently available for general breathing and the amount of the same invigorating substance in a sealed time capsule that was buried during the 1950s, a time, history tells us, of an extraordinary degree of human sanity.

By comparing the two samples, the investigator was able to determine that there is significantly less oxygen in today's atmosphere.

Commenting on the finding, George Bush said, 'I disagree with the finding, and I'll tell you why. Today I can think just as well as I could in 1950.'

Dick Cheney remained committed to the present course, saying, 'Don't pay any attention to these environmental reactionaries. They're bad for the economy. And, if you think we're dumber now, wait till we're too dumb to notice. Then the problem will be solved.'

On the other hand, Arlen Spector, R-PA, noted, 'I have actually detected a noticeable slowdown in the intellectual activity of Congress. When I first came to Washington, I can remember an occasion or two when I actually heard an intelligent argument.'