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A man needs a hobby.

I guess I'm not well-rounded. I seldom take a vacation (never, come to think of it), and I don't spend a whole lot of time in church, though I do not consider myself a pagan.

All I do is work to pay a bill, and I'm approximately forty eight hours ahead of the rest of my bills.

Based on this, I recently came to the conclusion that much of life is pointless.

I need a hobby.

I need a hobby, something besides the simple desire for more sex. That brings up an interesting point. Why is it that sex, is not considered a hobby? Maybe it's because you don't use glue, or epoxy, like in making a model airplane.

Then again, maybe you do.

In any event, I'm trying to find myself a hobby, something at which I can relax, and find personal enrichment.

Here are some possibilities that I have actually acted upon, or have been actively mulling over:

Like most suburbanites, I live in fairly close proximity to other houses. The elderly lady in the house across from me stares at my room window a lot. We've all seen people who stare. Maybe she's just bored. But I've come to the conclusion'she's watching me for some reason.

There can only be one possibility.

She's watching me dress. And undress.

After a week of this, I decided to give her her money's worth.

I now do two nightly shows, and one in the morning'..at my window. My dressing and undressing shows.

I go into a slow dance routine, and flex my huge, rugged jungle muscles. I recently purchased a bow tie like the kind used by Chippendale's male dancers, and I wear an old high school jock strap from PE.

I'm thinking of adding a strobe light to expand the act.

This is a hobby that's better than gin rummy.

And, you're making people happy.

Another potential hobby involves the clever use of empty toilet paper rolls, you know, those little cardboard cylinders once the toilet paper is used up. I have long been fascinated by these.

Here's a neat potential hobby.

Take two of the cylinders and unravel them. They will still curl. You can then put them on your wrists as bracelets. These can be worn while making love to your wife or significant other lover.

You're portraying yourself as some kind of mythical fantasy hero like Ben Hur, or Heracles.

He men used to wear bracelets back then. Really, no joke! Back in the real old old days when they used to, 'slay' guys.

Or, if making out in space is your thing, you can take twenty five of these cylinders, glue them side by side, and wear them as a kind of futuristic space belt like in Star Trek.

This gives your partner the chance to rip the belt off easily just before she throws you on the 'beam me up' machine and makes mad, passionate love to you.

If you're fat, you might need fifty of the toilet rolls.

We can all be a little more creative these cold days while waiting for the warmer weather, and come up with a hobby that is not only satisfying, but gets us involved and aroused.

' Copyright 2004