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This is not your run-of-the-mill birth plan. It was inspired from a repetition of events in my life, namely the births of my children. Here is a summary of those events:

Birth One was a relatively uneventful first labor lasting only six hours and requiring only about six pushes. It would have been perfect if only the doctor had not had the time to do the episiotomy.

Birth Two was an induced labor that took only three hours from first contraction to last. The last five minutes the nurses were shouting 'don't push, don't push 'as they were wheeling me down the hall to the delivery room. The doctor gloved his hands without washing them first. Baby delivered in one push.

Birth Three was another induced labor where I was a bit slow getting moved to the delivery room because the nurse did not believe me when I told her I was feeling inclined to push during contractions. I overheard one nurse say to another, 'tell the doctor not to scrub,' but it was too late. A nurse caught the baby.

Birth Four I had my baby in my first LDR (labor-delivery-recovery) room so there was no moving before the big show. The doctor was slipping on his gown and turned around just in time to catch the baby in his sleeve, since he had neither washed nor gloved. It is a wonder I never got an infection.

On Birth Five either I was lucky or I finally got a doctor that listened to me. He sat on the edge of my bed for the last forty-five minutes of my labor watching a championship football game on TV with my husband. Fortuitously, the baby arrived ten minutes after the game ended. Vikings 28, Bears 27.

Birth Six was fourteen years after the Birth Five so it was supposed to be like having a first baby again. I hear the midwife bantering with the nurse about needing change for the drink machine. Although I am preoccupied I manage to say I have a whole roll of quarters in my bag. I am thinking, 'Just get your can of soda quick and get back here in time!' She cuts it close, but she does get back in time. Baby delivered in two pushes.

Birth Seven is another induced labor and this time I try to prepare the midwife with a written birth plan. The major gist of my birth plan is 'midwife to be present for the birth.' The attending nurse makes a poor judgment call, and no one is aware they need to catch my baby's head while he is being born under the sheet. I wish I could have seen her face when she pulled the sheet down, but I was trying to catch my first glimpse of my baby.

It is time for a new birth plan. I need to take a page from births Five and Six and provide incentives for people to be there. Here is my new birth plan: 'Patient will play midwife's favorite movie in the VCR and provide unlimited quantities of popcorn, soda and candy.'

Then again, maybe I should hold a raffle for all the doctors and midwives in the hospital. 'The winning number will be drawn when the cord is cut.'