Article Surfing Archive

In a twist of fate worthy of a Perry Mason episode, the President of the United States truly has accomplished his mission. He has ascertained beyond a scintilla of a doubt, that Iraq has absolutely no weapons of mass destruction.

In Gulf War 1, George Bush Sr. on the advice of General Colin Powell did not march on to Baghdad because they knew that they could not control the country, just as the mighty Soviet Union could not control Pops, aka Poppy aka Puff Daddy aka P. Diddy Afghanistan. When the Russians invaded Afghanistan, the United States hired Osama Bin Laden and the Bin Laden family to boot them out, which they succeeded in doing. In return, the Bin Laden family financed the oil company of George Bush Jr.

In 1941 or thereabouts Japan invade Pearl Harbor. The oysters were extremely busy that day praying for the souls of their ghosts. You cannot write fiction as twisted as actual human behavior because you could never suspend the disbelief. Today, 66 years after the WWII, the United States, Britain, Italy, Germany and Japan are best friends. Perhaps there really is hope for a reconciliation between Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan. Humans, like prize fighters can only embrace in the ring after they beat each other's brains out. Are web rings good or bad for your SEO? Some say that they are poisonous like link farms and others swear by them. You can curse like Hell on television and the big screen, and pretend to cut people's heads off in your video game, with blood flying all over the place, but you cannot curse in your articles or your books. Why is that?

The Democratic Party led by Hilary Clinton freely admits that they have no platform. They are quite content right now to let the President of the United States hoist the Republican Party on their own petard. Whoever invented the word petard should receive the Pulitzer Prize for Dictionarianism. General Colin Powell was once the favorite for the presidential nomination for the Grand Old Party until his uncle George Bush Jr. sent him to the United Nations with a slide show proving beyond any doubt that the Iraqi people were injecting poultry with bird flu in trailers in the desert. When this proved to be false, Colin Powell hung down his head like John Dooley and left Washington forever with his tale between his legs. Paul Wolfowitz assured the citizens of the United States that Iraqi oil would pay for the war in Iraq. In code the United States government was telling its citizens that the United States of America was running on empty and going to Iraq to fill up their tanks. You are quite welcome. Do not forget to pray for the souls of their ghosts.

Lets get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged. Get Back Joe! Here is the only out for the President of the United States before the Republican Party sinks to the bottom of the ocean for the next 50 years for what they have done in Iraq. George goes back to the ship, and they re-hang the 'Mission Accomplished' banners. The he says to the people on the ship and the people of planet Earth, except perhaps for a few third world people in central Africa without radios, like Jim and Elaine Ersatz and their three children Bonnie, Elaine, and Kevin:

'My fellow Americans. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the brave men and women of the United States Armed Forces, who have given their lives and their limbs in the pursuit of world wide justice. I would also like to thank the 100,000 brave Iraqi men, women and children who gave their lives in this war, for their contribution to population control. We now know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our resolve was strong, Iraq was not contaminating their poultry, and we were right all along about Nick and Jessica. This acid is really strong man. Speaking of strong men, our former ally Saddam Hussein has finally learned his lesson, thanks to the efforts of the brave men and women of the United States of America's Armed forces.

My fellow Americans. Listen carefully to what Saddam Hussein said today at his trial, when he took the stand in his own defense: Saddam Hussein said today, 'Let the Iraqi people UNITE and resist the American invaders and their backers. Don't fight among yourselves," said Saddam, praising the insurgency. "In my eyes, you, the Iraqi people are the resistance to the American invasion."

President Bush went on, 'My fellow Americans. Do you see what has happened? Saddam Hussein, who we chased from his Palace to a rabbit hole, has learned humility. He is now calling for the Unification of the Sunni, Shiite and Kurdish Iraqi people. Whoever thought that we would ever see this day? We through our efforts, when the entire world said 'NO!', have brought about a profound change in the outlook of President Saddam Hussein. We have succeeded in uniting the Iraqi people. President Ronald Reagan said, 'Wisdom ought not be denied even though it comes lately.' Look, I used to be a deserting alcoholic but now I am the President of the United States. President Nelson Mandela used to be a shoe cleaner in a prison hair salon and now he is a Nobel Laureate.

Because of the dramatic change in the outlook of the former President of Iraq, I am announcing today the complete withdrawal of the United States military from Iraq effective immediately. I am also now announcing the reinstatement of President Saddam Hussein as President of Iraq, with full dictatorship control. I am big enough to swallow my pride, a lesson I learned in Step 9. What is one who does not learn from his mistakes? Every cloud has a silver lining. Remember, it was not I who shot my lawyer in the face.

How will this plan help us? Well, we are currently unable to pay our T Bills because the war has already cost us $500 billion dollars. Add in my trillion dollar tax cut and Hurricane Katrina and our country is now on the verge of bankruptcy. This is why we had to sell off our ports to the United Arab Emirates, and AOL to the House of Saud, on whose board sits my father. Saddam Hussein Himself has personally assured me that when he resumes power next week, he will again chase Al Qaeda out of Iraq, he will not allow Iran to over run the middle east, nor attack the United States of America with nuclear weapons which they may have ready in 10 years, and he will restore Peace and stability to the Middle East nations once again. I am not so full of pride that I cannot admit when I was wrong. Democracy seemed like a good idea until Hamas came to power in Palestine. I thought that democracy in Iraq would help to stabilize Iraq but as you can see the democratic Iraq is now spiraling into a civil war between the Sunni Muslims and the Shiite Muslims. You may wonder what separates the Sunni Muslims from the Shiite Muslims. Here is your answer:

The Prophet Muhammad had a son in law named Ali ibn Abi Talib aka Imam Ali. The Shiites believe that he was the leader of Islam after Muhammad died, and that his descendants today are the proper leaders of Islam. The Shiites follow his heirs. On the other hand, The Sunni Muslims do not. They believe that the true successor of Muhammad was Muhammad's lieutenant Abu (father of) Baker. They follow his heirs in their mosques. Saddam could care less because he is non religious. This is why he wears a suit and a tie, to show his disdain and contempt for both the Sunni and the Shiite religious leaders. In order to unify the country of Iraq, Saddam has personally promised me, 'No more Mr. Nice Guy.'

You may have noticed that I fought the war in Iraq with both hands tied behind my back. I now agree with President Saddam Hussein. No more Mr. Nice Guy for me either. This war has taken a tremendous toll on me personally and my family. Stress is a leading cause of heart disease and I will not have it, not one moment longer. I am telling the leaders and the people of the Middle East right now. Should anyone cause me even the slightest problem in the future, I will immediately use my 25,000 100 Megaton Nuclear Rockets which split into 8 in mid air, my full arsenal of biological and chemical weapons, and I will immediately wipe them out. I am finished playing with both hands tied behind my back. My resolve is strong. We have now brought unity to Iraq, stability to the Middle East, and by next week, all of our troops will be home for Easter. I would like to once again express my sincere gratitude to the brave men and women of the American Armed Forces, and congratulate them on a job well done. Mission Accomplished! By the way, we are also coming home from Afghanistan effective immediately. We now know that even if we get Osama, his successor could be worse. What's the point? We tried our best and that's all you can do. Saddam has already deposited 2 trillion dollars into the United States treasury, from his personal account in Switzerland. Who's your daddy?! May God bless and keep the souls of the ghosts of the people of the United States of America. Good night, and may God bless you all.'