Article Surfing Archive

Well Darlings,

Have you ever met something that on the face of it seems okay, but the hype which comes with it begins to worry you? Today, as I write this, in an "exclusive" the local newspaper has revealed a nearby building firm wishes to erect 637 eco-friendly and energy efficient homes on a 42 acre site a few miles inland from Blackpool's South Shore, at Marton, in a '150 million housing development project. So far, so good. The firm is apparently recognised for building good housing stock, and eco-friendly and energy efficient homes are always a good idea. But then we learn that members of the public may view the plans today between 2.30pm until 5pm and tomorrow between 1.30pm until 5pm at the Marton Methodist Church Hall.

Now that is not a lot of notice to give anyone to arrange time off work so they can go along and sum up this proposed development, is it? Straightaway, the suspicious old crab that I am, I am motivated to start looking for rats. The spiel emanating from Peter Liversedge, of the developers Kensington Partnership, does nothing to alleviate my fears.

According to our newspaper, the Gazette, he has said: "This is a statement of confidence in Blackpool and the Fylde coast region for us, as local developers. This could potentially be one of the biggest investments in Blackpool and provide a gateway into Blackpool for visitors. The town is crying out for investment and there is so much talk about regeneration ' well, here we are. We want to invest in this great project which is eco-friendly and really progressive."

Wow! That is some spiel - worthy of the best of our used-car salesmen! Notice how "Blackpool" has three mentions within just those four sentences, and is linked so positively with: "investment", "regeneration", "gateway", and "visitors" - everything we need! Add to that: "eco-friendly" and who couldn't resist the bargain? However when we learn that the impact on the area will be kept to a minimum with "buffer zones" of trees and shrubs separating it from existing properties, one begins to question the relationship between this now obviously private housing estate and: "visitors", "gateway", and even "regeneration". The land here is quite pleasant to look at, is not on most visitors' itineraries or even their route into the resort - so where is the gateway? - and it is certainly not in need of regeneration like the tourist area of Blackpool.

Of course we must not condemn Peter Liversedge for merely doing his job - trying to sell the project to us. That is quite acceptable. Not even learning that Blackpool Council and its leader, Peter Callow, are impressed by the plans, unduly bothers me. That is, not until Mr Callow comes out with an absurdity: he suggests the scheme may encourage the borough's young people to get onto the property ladder.

Perhaps when he uttered this the poor man didn't have a calculator with him. '150 million to be recovered and see a profit from 637 properties tells me, without a calculator, the average property here will go for far in excess of a quarter-of-a-million pounds even at today's prices - and if the local soothsayers are to be believed, and the properties need building on rafts and piles because of the nature of the land, they could easily turn out to be even more expensive. That sure is going to be some mighty steep step up onto the property ladder for most of the young people of this borough, I can tell you! Jees! The price those burgers will have to be just doesn't bear thinking about!

In pleasant surroundings, and with the promised shop and pond (should they get this past Health & Safety without the barbed wire fence), this development would provide some much sought after quality homes, and entice those able to afford them into the area. For the most part I suspect these people would have employment away from Blackpool, nevertheless they could still provide a small but welcome boost to the resort's finer restaurants and better class of entertainment venues, especially our theatres.

So this leaves me with a problem: why have both the developer and the council tried to sell us a pig when it is plainly a perfectly good cow that is on offer? Could it have anything to do with the number remaining of realistically "affordable" homes that may still be built? Hmm . . . Nice cow - shame about the flatulence!

A couple of quickies before I go: ahead of some more proposed Health & Safety rules and regulations, the Royal National Institute for the Deaf has launched a competition to find earplugs that would be acceptable to the nation's young clubbers. The charity believes 90% of young clubbers have experienced early signs of hearing damage and tells us: the small earplugs available for between '10 and '15 work much better than the cheaper earplugs used by some to help them sleep. The dearer ones allow the clubbers to hear the detail of the music whilst reducing the volume.

There will be many who have survived more than 50 years of Rock & Roll and Disco music, the majority of it before any limitations were put on the amount of decibels permitted, who, with still average hearing for their now advanced years, will chuckle at this one. Quite obviously music that is too loud is not advisable and may be damaging to some people's hearing, but rather than let common sense prevail and an informed crowd choose where they wish to go - thereby forcing the music-providers into playing at acceptable levels - some people are looking to make money out of this. Designer earplugs may need the law before they start selling - but they are on the way. So I guess the law is too. I think at my age they will have to be purple ones, don't you? Fluffy would be nice!

Finally, as I have mentioned clubbing, perhaps I should not leave out a story relevant to all that goes with it. Ask any clubber about "a burning bush" and a certain brand of ointment is likely to spring into their mind long before any religious notions. However Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, suggests Moses was probably on drugs when he saw the famous "burning bush". Apparently mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times. Drugs were used that induced people to "see music".

Mentioning his own use of a powerful psychotropic plant, ayahuasca, during a religious ceremony in South America (1991) where he experienced visions that had spiritual-religious connotations, Shanon says the effects were comparable to those produced by concoctions made mainly from the bark of the acacia tree that is frequently referred to in the Bible. Really? Acacia Avenue - a clich' within British culture as a metaphor for an average middle-class suburban street - may never again be seen in exactly the same light!

Mantovani on acid - now that is mind-blowing! And the Last Night of the Proms, a haven for the middle-class - but one that the arts minister, Margaret Hodge, who, obviously barking up the wrong type of tree, suggests does not encourage a diverse enough audience - really is an absolute blast, I promise you! Just how diverse does this woman want to make it? Can she not "see" the music?

Suburbia survives - and barking mad it has found a way to remove all the pain of politics. Good old Acacia Avenue! The backbone of our Land of Dope and Glory. Get a life, Margaret. Move into Acacia Avenue!

"The Bitch!" 6/03/08.