Article Surfing Archive

Direct Answers ' Column for the week of January 3, 2005

I am currently separated from my husband who is having an affair. We've been married four years, and we just bought a condominium. Things were looking hopeful. We've had some challenges, including him not working much while I supported him emotionally and financially.

For the past seven months he's had a steady income, thus we bought the condo. He cruelly announced to me in an unsafe place--at a conference where I had professional commitments--that he loves another woman and would have married her if he hadn't married me. I am heartbroken.

We've been to marriage counseling. I've been in shock, dismay, anger, and terrible grief as I adore my husband and have been faithful to him throughout our marriage. Yet I am not willing to tolerate his behavior, so I filed for divorce.

I found out the condominium we bought is near where this woman lives. My husband wants us to continue and have her in our marriage, too. He calls her his concubine. It's so insane!

I've seen them together, and I go into shock and then extreme anger at this violation. The violation is further increased by the fact she is a doctor of divinity, a minister, and active in a local spiritual community. My husband is a professional, and we both have a spiritual path we follow. I am so confused and sorrowful. I don't even know what to ask, except I keep reading about other couples who overcome infidelity.

Leslie

Leslie, a well-known television executive, now deceased, was famous for his affairs. When he finished with a woman, he would invite her to lunch at a posh restaurant. There, over lobster or foie gras, he would announce the end of their affair. He counted on the public surroundings to control her dismay and anger. This executive's nickname was the "Smiling Cobra."

Your husband is another smiling cobra. Telling you at the conference was a mean-spirited and selfish thing to do. You say you are suffering from emotional numbness, sleep disturbances, and disruption of social functioning. That condition has a name: post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

PTSD happens to people who have suffered life-threatening events like military combat, natural disaster, or violent personal assault. You have suffered a personal assault and a marital disaster. You are proceeding on the correct course. Your husband's desire to keep a "concubine" ended the marriage.

Reach out to helpful people and seek individual counseling from a professional experienced in dealing with traumatic stress.

Wayne & Tamara

Like Versus Love

I've been in a relationship with a loving, sweet man. From the start we spent a great deal of time together, usually at his house because he has a lot of issues with panic attacks and driving. As time went on he told me he loved me and could see spending the rest of his life with me.

I thought he was incredibly hot, and to be honest, I could not keep my hands off him. A month ago I woke up one morning and felt numb. Everything that seemed perfect about him before seemed imperfect. I started analyzing him and finding a million things wrong. I even started dreading his daily calls.

He did nothing wrong, I mean, he's been the same person all along. Why do I feel this way? My friends think I may have commitment issues.

Samantha

Samantha, we had a golden retriever named Einstein. He had hip dysplasia and arthritis, even as a youngster. Some might have seen a million things wrong with him, but we never did because we loved him so.

With this man you narrowed your focus to the pleasurable elements, but at the first inkling of making this permanent, you were forced to see the rest of him. That's not a commitment problem. That's realizing you don't want to own all the things you see wrong with this man.

Tamara