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You can't turn left, right, go forward, backwards, or even just stand still these days without someone telling you that you have to exercise.

Whatever happens, DON'T do it!

People talk about the many benefits of exercise, and indeed, the list seems very long, and it seems to touch pretty much every aspect of our lives. Let's examine this:

* Increases Energy: I can't imagine why anyone would want to increase their energy level. As if the world isn't already too full of caffeinated coffee and energy drink junkies, now we're being told to try to get MORE energy from exercise.

Don't do it people! Just try to make it through your long and boring lives with barely enough pep to get from point A to point B, and then drag yourself home every night and plop down on the couch for another brain-draining evening in front of the TV.

* Lowers Your Risk for Heart Disease: Heart Disease?!? Yeah right - this sounds like too many doctors weren't making enough money, so they came up with a general term that would cover everything from indigestion to breathing hard.

The fact that it kills more people in the United States than any other disease or condition combined is irrelevant. Your heart is in great shape! Keep eating potato chips, hamburgers, and fried shrimp. You'll be just fine.

* Cranks up Your Metabolism: What IS metabolism anyway? Everyone is talking about it, but I don't see it around anywhere. If it's so important to have a fast metabolism in order to burn off bodyfat, wouldn't someone have come up with a magic pill or special sauce that took care of this issue?

Stay up really late eating ice cream and washing it down with root beer. While your body turns every one of those calories into bodyfat, you can catch an infommercial that is sure to be selling "The Metabolism Master Blaster"!

* Helps You Lose Weight: Oh sure - here is another example of mass hysteria. If exercise is so good at making people lose weight, why is it that America is fatter today than it has ever been, even though there is a gym on every corner?

Seriously, being fat HAS to be healthy, or else everyone wouldn't be doing it! Go ask the owner of any fast food restaurant if they think that people are truly concerned about losing weight.

* Increases Self-Esteem: This must be why anti-depressant drugs are so rampant in our society today. Half of our teenagers are on Valium, and the other half have ADD. Marriages are breaking up left and right over emotional conflicts, and psychologists get paid big dollars to assure people that they are "OK".

Besides, overweight people must already have great self-esteem, because they are able to hide in their homes dying of bad health instead of feeling the need to go "be healthy" with the rest of the world.

So, in conclusion, I think we have demonstrated that there is a perfectly acceptable way to use logic to convince ourselves that we don't need to exercise. Let the members of the Health and Fitness industry keep selling their wares, putting together new products and facilities, and generally wasting their lives away.

The rest of us are smart and we will boycott this thing called "Exercise". As our stomachs grow larger, our backsides get bigger, and our clothes get smaller, we can take solace in the fact that we didn't get swept up by that whole "Health Craze"!

Hey - pass the chocolate cake covered in caramel and whip cream! I want a third piece of that while my french fries deep-fry for another five minutes and I catch the end of some completely unrealistic reality show!